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It feels like coming home
A lot of my clients, and other people writing, speaking and asking questions on social media, ask how they will know when they have found the right kind of work for them. After all, they say, what if I make the wrong decision?
When we are asked the right questions, we do know – at least enough to get going
Some people know clearly, as soon as they are actually asked. My client, Louise, was one of these. She came on a teleseminar I ran, and immediately told me all about how she wanted to write about people, especially young people, who were excluded from society and tell their positive stories. “I don’t know where all this came from” she said, “It just popped right out of me.” Nine months later she is pursuing a career as a freelance writer, doing just that.
For others it takes ongoing contemplation, trial and adjustment – though there can be immediate satisfaction in feeling that they are moving in the right direction.
And for all of us, the first step will not the the last. My own career changes have taken me from private sector management to careers guidance, to business start-up coaching, to consultancy, back to coaching and also writing. Each step has expressed something of who I am, and each has fed my skills and self-knowledge to prepare me for the next step. There is nothing that has not been useful, though some has been difficult or painful.
I know that we all have the capability to know when we are going in the right direction, if only we trust ourselves and know what to listen for. Different writers and speakers describe it is different ways, but the feeling is the same.
‘Shackles on, shackles off’
Martha Back, one of the best known life coaches in the US, describes feeling ‘shackles on’ when she is doing something that doesn’t serve her and ‘shackles off’ when she is on the right path. Each person has their own unique version of this feeling, so she advises her readers to test out what the feeling is for themselves with things they know they love or hate.
For me ‘shackles on’ comes up when I am cleaning the house, doing my accounts or not taking care of myself. It is not about ability – I am capable of doing all these things. But it generates a deep dread in the pit of my stomach, a heaviness and it makes me tired. ‘Shackles off’ comes when I am coaching, writing, or playing outdoors with my children. It feels energetic, light and alive. My body and soul are saying a big ‘Yes’.
Resonance
The Coaches Training Institute, where I trained as a coach, teaches us to look for resonance. Resonance is not the same as happiness or what we might think of as ‘positive’ emotions. Resonance can be found in joy, grief, anger, love, jealousy and inspiration – any emotion in fact. Whatever we are feeling we are really feeling, and our whole body responds by coming alive.
Without resonance there is flatness, a lack of energy and a dullness in us, even if we are talking about a supposedly happy occasion. It is boring to listen to someone who is dissonant, but inspiring and energising to listen to a resonant person, even if they are talking about sadness.
It feels like coming home
As well as coaching, I love training. I love to be in a room with people and to take them on a journey where they discover their own answers. As well as energising them, it brings me to life. And I feel that I have found my way home.
I am writing this article on my way to the third day on a training course where I am assisting some powerful leaders training new coaches. I was inspired to write it on the first day, because of the feeling it generated in me – the feeling of coming home. I started writing the article on my way to the second day of the course, but wavered in my resolve to use this feeling as a descriptor.
Then, that same day, one of the participants on the course, close to tears, said ‘being here feels like coming home,’ – and I knew it wasn’t just me.
Listen, listen
Coming ‘home’ to our true selves, to our true work, to a way of expressing ourselves in the world is deeply moving. We know when we have found it. We change and everyone around can see it.
We don’t always listen to ourselves. Fears, negative self-talk or old habits can hold us back and make us squash the truth back into a box. Sometimes people around us will try, consciously or unconsciously, to keep us the same as we were.
But some part of us always knows. Learn to listen. Choose to listen. Look for resonance, shackles off, a sense of coming home. It will bring you to life like nothing else.
Brilliant post, Devi. The way you’ve articulated the concepts of resonance and shackles on/off has got me thinking. I’m very familiar with these feelings but have never effectively verbalised them. They are really important to ‘watch out’ for so that we can all follow our intuition and find our true purposes and meanings. Thanks for writing about this.
Thanks Louise. Glad it meant something to you. This is one of the tools I use when coaching to tell if I am on the right track, or if we need to re-focus on what the client really cares about. I prefer it to personality tests, though they also have their uses.
Excellent post Devi, inspiring and an uplifting reminder for me. I have a powerful sensation of upward energy in the solar plexus moving up to the heart and sometimes as far as the throat when the answer to a life choice is yes- I get a definate sinking feeling that goes the other way when the answer is no- I’ve trained in Nia and we learn to listen to the body, mind and emotional realm- also the spiritual realm very different from religion for me! Love your work- I rarely leave comments so this inspired me to share- Axx
Thanks, Anne. I really appreciate you commenting. Yes, I too believe that listening to body, mind, emotions and spirit is important whatever you are talking about – careers, health, relationships… However much our mind can persuade us to ‘settle’ for what is less good, we know when we have found something we love.
And when someone is in that place they are truly inspiring and charismatic. I love to be around people like that. I love to be someone like that. And I love to help others be like that too – it is the deepest honour, joy and satisfaction to me.
Hi Devi! Thanks as always for an insightful post. It is a fitting reminder to me as I find myself feeling at odds with my direction.
It has been over a year since I was gainfully employed and while I am doing the work, polishing the resume’, rehearsing the elevator speech, going on countless and meaningless interviews and responding to even more meaningless positions, I honestly do not know which way to turn or what voice to listen to. I am truly stuck in the “job loss process” and wish I had a clearer vision of what I really want to to do, now that I have the time to develop it.
It’s like my entire life I simply “landed” in positions. They paid well, I grew in status and they offered my family a good life, I even enjoyed them while there. However, after a company layoff in 2010 and a company bankruptcy at the next job in 2011, I am trying to stay positive amidst financial poverty.I live a much different life now and these positions seem alien to me.
I wish I could feel the spark again, to be one of the many stories of women who find themselves down and out and come back stronger but I simply don’t feel it. I am attending a local college participating in their job network program and have meetings scheduled with their career counselors. I am hoping this will shed some light on my unsung talents. The corporate world that once paid me well no longer appeals to me. I have to find my true passion again. I hope I can.
Dana
Ah, Dana, my heart goes out to you. It sounds as if you are grieving – that there is still pain inside that is being processed. And now there is an empty space with only these emotions left. That is a hard place to be. And I invite you to sometimes give yourself a break from ‘trying to stay positive’ and find a way of giving vent to where you are, be that sad, angry, afraid or whatever.
Your description of simply ‘landing’ in positions is a familiar one. In fact there is even a career theory name for it – ‘planned happenstance’. A mixture of luck and deciding to take what is familiar and in front of you. Most of us follow this path. Many many people do jobs very similar to their family members, for exactly this reason.
And you have tremendous courage. Amidst this difficulty, you are still certain that there is hope with a vision of being one of those women that turn things around. It is hard to feel it in the midst of the dark times – the women in the stories are inspiring because they did things despite not feeling the spark. You are doing just that. You are an inspiration.
And in stepping away from the familiar corporate world, you are in unmapped territory. Feeling lost is normal when you are somewhere new.
I would concentrate on three things:
1. Self Care: go for walks, take hot baths, be with loving friends – do things to remind yourself that you matter and are beautiful
2. Express yourself: write or draw and just see what comes. Julia Cameron of The Artists’ Way recommends writing three pages every morning, whatever comes be it flowing writing, a to do list, swear words… Doing this helps you to feel expressed and gives space for your creativity.
3. Seek inspiration: You don’t need to find all the answers. Start with little things you love – music, dancing, art, politics, spiritual practice, writing, volunteering for a cause you care about, reading or listening to people who inspire you. Follow small clues and just spend time with people or doing things that matter. If something calls you, follow the call. Don’t assume you can’t – ask how you can.
The answers will come to you. You are on the path, the hard path to fulfillment which often feels difficult at the beginning.
With love and appreciation.
Devi
Thanks Devi for that message to Dana. I do also feel “lost” after a 7 long months of unemployment and I think that message is really meaningful to a lot of us in the ” same situation” !
Great post btw, very inspiring
Thank you Yasmine, for your kind words. And I am sorry to hear that you feel lost too. It is hard to feel that you are unrecognised and that your talents are not valued by the world. In reality, they are, but there is a time in most people’s lives where those talents are invisible. You will find a way to uncover them and let them shine.
Thanks for validating my feelings Devi. I appreciate Yasmine’s thoughts too and feel grateful I am in the company of some very “beautiful” souls.
I already follow many of your suggestions and hope with this insight I stay true to myself. It has also become known to me that timing is everything. I just thought after a year and with some solid credentials this “timing” would evolve a bit more easily, it hasn’t and this is unfamiliar territory to me. I also think the down time has made me recognize some pretty deep seated feelings when before I could be distracted by my job. Just time for some introspection I suppose. I am encouraged by you and Yasmine’s words and know if I give voice to those feelings, they too will pass.
Thanks again.
Dana
Hi Dana,
I love your wisdom and insight. When we are not rushing around things do surface.
Do you know what kind of work you are seeking, or are you still questioning that?
Devi
hi devi… i was there at the fundamentals. i was lost but now i have found my heart and soul. CTI brought this about together with all the other wonderful people present. it was a comming home… home to me, to my purpose.
luvwithattitude paul. x
Thank you for sharing, Paul. You seemed to be glowing on the course – wonderful to see.
I have been thinking about these coaching courses, and coaching in general and how people do feel ‘at home’ there. I think there are two reasons. One is that if coaching or similar work suits you, it will have that effect – just as finding your vocation will always have. A place for you to do the work you were born to do.
And the other is about the way that coaching operates itself. We very consciously create an environment which is safe enough for people to take the risk of opening up and really be themselves. This is something that many of us haven’t had before and it is very powerful to both be more truly yourself and be in the presence of others who are doing that too. I think this atmosphere cannot help but be magnetic. And so you cannot help but be magnetic.
You might be interested in Sir Ken Robinson’s TED talk which is called ‘Are Schools Killing Creativity’, but is really about people being allowed to be themselves in their work. I believe it is the most watched TED talk of them all – though as Sir Ken says he doesn’t get a big head because his kids have a You Tube video of two kittens falling off a table that has been viewed more times
I like the way you sign off – luvwith attitude. Is that the name of your new coaching business?
Devi